If you are anything like me, then perhaps you might be familiar with the pain of social awkwardness that accompanies trying to make new friends?

I remember being astonished as a pre-teen child on family holidays, on arrival at a new campsite, how within twenty minutes of setting up the tent, my little sister had already acquired a gathering of small friends, somewhat akin to the Pied Piper. I could never understand how she did that! By contrast I was cripplingly shy. I found every interaction with a new person painful as I tried to navigate my way through the usual small talk to see what I could and couldn’t say to my new acquaintance. If they spoke about animals, those non-verbal companions that make no judgment, then I might stand a chance, but ask me my opinion on a pop song, who was my favourite group or indeed my favourite anything, then no way, I would shrink into my shell; I was not going to risk the rejection! Even today, after the work I have done to heal, when asked for my viewpoint, there is still a tiny echo of that awkwardness, a twinge of distant anxiety as I ask myself “what is the right answer to that question? What answer can I give that will help me to belong to the crowd?” And only then, do I remember that I no longer have to be that way. I can relax, which is truly refreshing.

A sense of belonging is something that we all need to have to feel safe and secure, an ancient part of our hard-wired survival mechanism that compels us to belong to the tribe for the purposes of protection. When we feel like we don’t fit, or are too shy to speak, then belonging and making those social connections that we crave, becomes even harder.

What I discovered, with the guidance of my therapist, is that “shy” is not a personality, it is a program, and what I mean is that I learnt that way of being when I was very young. Many of us are walking around without consciously realising that we are the way we are as a result of the learning that we picked up from our parents, teachers and other significant adults – all programmed into us before the age of seven. Perhaps you can still hear the familial sayings that you grew up around – “children should be seen, not heard”, “money doesn’t grow on trees”, “do as you are told”; or you can remember some of the negative things that were said to you as a child – “you’ll never amount to anything”; or the way that you felt when a teacher singled you out in class – contracted and small, making yourself invisible as you hid from their gaze? All of these experiences shape the way that you behave as an adult today, and even with the best of adult role models there are very few of us that come away unscathed, without a few wonky programs in place – negative beliefs about ourselves, or behavioural quirks that we believe are ‘just who we are’, but in fact have come from an earlier time and place that lacked in safety and trust. It is how you perceived your emotional needs being met as a child that counts, not how wonderful (or not) your parents were.

As Dr Tara Swart writes, ‘We all grow up with models for how to relate to other people, express ourselves, give and receive love and handle disagreements. As we move through life, these ‘imprints’ we have tend to get projected onto other situations and relationships in our lives. This powerful unconscious process is one that’s worth exploring as it can have a profound influence on the relationships we choose, the way we view ourselves and the way we think and behave.’^[1]

If you feel like making new friends is really difficult, then I want you to know that there are ways to heal that particular pain. I wonder if you could get curious about what creates that feeling of social awkwardness? Because I know that when you do, there is a treasure trove of rewards just the other side; a feeling of freedom and relaxed calm, that you have never before experienced.

Today, I take great joy in working as a QCH therapist, helping people to navigate through their anxiety, to heal the underlying causes at source, which is easier than you might think. So, if you are finding it difficult to make friends or maintain relationships then there is usually a very good reason for that, often stored as a protection response within your subconscious mind as a result of earlier, poor or unhelpful experiences. Now that we have developed our understanding of how the brain works through psychology and neuroscience, it means we can change the patterns in your brain, by coaching you through processes that help you to release trapped negative emotions and resolve disturbing memories, so that you can stop being anxious.  At The Quest Institute we have been trained to work with you as an individual, so that you are never a label or diagnosis, because we know that each person is doing their anxiety in a different way to the next. It may be the same symptom, but it’s not the same story.  We will work with you in whatever ways make it possible for you to heal.

If you are not ready for therapy, then here are a few tips for making friends that you might like to try:

Be genuinely curious about others – everyone is different in fascinating ways, so be interested and practise active listening, which means don’t jump in or ‘listen to talk’. Instead, reflect back what you have heard using the speaker’s own words. Nod your head, affirm, empathise.

Use the power of questions – asking your new acquaintance questions takes the pressure off you. Ask a few open, ‘what’, ‘how’, ‘when’ questions. “That’s interesting, how did you do that?”, “what happened after he said that?”

Stop mind-reading – the whole world is not looking at you. No, really they are not, much as your mind would like to tell you that they are! Also, you really can’t hear what other people are thinking inside their heads; that’s just you, thinking inside your head. Remember, you don’t have to believe your thoughts.

Positive self-talk – negative thought cycles create anxiety as you predict the future turning out badly. Can you catch the negative thoughts? You might like to begin to practise, flipping those thoughts into the positive. “I’m really worried I’m going to make a fool of myself with this new guy” becomes “I have an opportunity to meet this new person and I’m just going to have fun.”

Notice your physiology – mind reading aside, that said your body language can communicate so much. So, if you are hiding or huddled in the corner, you may be unconsciously projecting a message to stay away. Think about opening your body, vulnerable I know, but practise is key so that you can become more and more comfortable with your new posture. Allow your shoulders to move down and back, imagine a thread attached to the top of your head, pulling you gently upwards so that you stand taller, open your arms and relax, by taking a few deep breaths right down into your tummy. Notice the other person’s physiology too – can you mirror it and notice how they/you feel? It might be revealing.

Be present – often our mind is remembering what happened in the past or is predicting what is going to happen in the future. The best way to stay present is to check-in with your body and engage in an activity. Can you walk and talk with your new friend or engage your hands in tapping alternate knees (or padding alternate feet) gently as you sit with them? The bi-lateral physical movement will help to keep you body present and anchor your mind to something that feels safe and comforting.

Imagine your ‘Future You’ – run some positive mental films. Rehearse and practise how you would love your social interactions to be, not how you don’t want them to turn out. You might be surprised at just how well that works.

Friendships can sustain us through thick and thin, so they are worth cultivating. Give these tips a go and let me know how you get on. If I can conquer anxiety and reprogramme myself from ‘cripplingly shy’ to ‘quietly confident’, then I know you can too!

If any of this has resonated with you and you would like to free yourself from anxiety, I have a programme of personalised coaching that can help you. You can get in touch with me here.