You have to have a turkey dinner, a Christmas tree, matching pjs, a pile of presents for the kids, watch the Christmas movies, go to a panto and have aunt Flo and uncle Fred over and a house full of family and friends.

There is nothing wrong with any of these; the problem arises between couples when one person has a different mindset or view to the other person. There is a particular mindset that I see in my relationship work that causes the biggest issue here, it’s called sameness vs difference.

A sameness person will want the same traditions ever year, done in exactly the same way. Sameness creates predictability, stability and continuity.

A difference person will want to spice things up a bit with goose instead of turkey, cutting back on the pile of presents, not inviting aunt Flo and uncle Fred over or even going away altogether. Difference fosters a sense of the unknown, adventure and variety.

If you are in a relationship with sameness vs difference running between you, then usually there is flexibility in what you do as people sit somewhere along a spectrum and are very rarely stuck in one preference.

However, when you add stress into the mix the situation changes quickly, and it makes us less flexible and more fixed in our core positions. When life is stressful, we have a lack of understanding and patience for each other and the difference between the two preferences becomes irritating and frustrating.

The situation is enough to draw battle lines, where each person becomes entrenched in their position and takes personal offence to the other person’s suggestions, with other problems and old arguments getting thrown into the mix like a hand grenade. Happy Christmas one and all!